By Dr. Don Dunlap
Pastoral Counselor
When husbands and wives neglect marital communication, hurt and emotional distance replace intimacy.
Family Counseling Ministries -
The natural tendency of most marriage partners is to avoid
conflict with each other. We shrink from the prospect of being emotionally
wounded, and thus, few of us wish to “rock the marriage boat.” Choosing the
path of least resistance, we opt for “peace at any cost.” This is a shallow
sort of peace, however, and is not the kind of peace we read about in God’s
Word.
In any marriage relationship, whether it is stagnant or
growing, conflict will inevitably occur. When an offending spouse handles
conflict in an unbiblical manner, he or she may justify his or her angry
outburst with such thoughts as, “I had to say it. I can’t put up with this
irritation any longer. At least I feel better now that I’ve gotten it off my
chest.” The offended partner, on the other hand, may react defensively: “You’re
one to talk. What about all of your quirks that I put up with?”
Retreat is another typical response. Many husbands and wives
respond to their spouse’s anger with silence: “I just won’t say anything at
all. It probably won’t do any good to answer since she never listens to me
anyway.”
Gradually, deep hurt and a deafening absence of communication
replace the openness and intimacy God intends for husbands and wives to enjoy.
As they withdraw their spirits from one another, the resulting emotional
distance robs them of their marvelous potential to bear spiritual fruit for
God’s kingdom.
Men and women, who once covenanted before God to love each
other with the kind of love described in I Corinthians 13, now erect walls of
self-protection between themselves. Little by little, marriage partners begin
to keep a detailed score of wrongs. Hope fades. Patience wears thin. They begin
to take the liberty of treating one another rudely. A stubborn unwillingness to
endure wrongs creeps into the relationship. Winning and having one’s own way
become the prevailing goals for both partners.
Both spouses soon discover that they must continually expend
vital spiritual and emotional energy in an ongoing, exhausting effort to
protect themselves from one another.
Where he was once tenderhearted and vulnerable, he is now
determined to guard himself from being hurt by his wife again. Where she once
eagerly shared her heart with her husband, she now makes a calculated decision
never to make that mistake again. Communication between them has died a painful
death.
God instructs us very specifically in His Word, how to
handle marital conflict resolution in such a way that glorifies Him and
enhances the marriage relationship. Conflict can indeed be beneficial if we
deal with it in the right way. Although rules exist that tell us how to fight
fair and win, we do not know these rules in our natural minds. Yet, we can and
must learn them if we desire to have a marriage that honors the Lord.
Dr. Don
Dunlap, a pioneer in the placement of Pastoral Counselors in the offices of
Christian physicians, has conducted over twenty thousand appointments during
his ministerial career. His counseling practice includes adults, children and
families in crisis. Dr. Dunlap is committed to facilitating a network of
telephone counselors. His goal is to provide help for the many people unable to
meet face to face with a competent Bible-based counselor. For a complete
library of Dr. Dunlap’s articles, indexed by topic, go to Family Counseling Ministries. You
may also make an appointment for personal telephone counseling by clicking on Family Counseling Ministries.
Family Counseling Ministries is a Christianity.com
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